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Friday, August 20, 2004 

The Crows

The above pic is of Adam Duritz of Counting Crows. I am posting this entry because I made a promise to myself to use this journal to convey my emotions and explore my feelings and I really have not done that.

Anyway, yesterday was a very hard day for me in regard to my health. I woke up at noon with a cloudy head and my abdomen and side hurt so bad that It was hard to get up. All day the pain persisted and everything in my body seemed to ache and throb. Even my legs felt like they were on fire. It was like my body was trying to spread out the pain so that I would not feel it all in one place. Most of the day I was alone and that is what made me think. Being alone and in pain is a terrible thing. Maybe if I lived with or closer to my parents or Grandma then they could help me more. But the reallity is that I live here with Megan and she does what she can. I know that she has work and school to attend to and I love that she is so ambitious. I look forward to her arriving home everyday and that really keeps me going. Maybe I will feel better when I start school on 08/30. Maybe it will be good to get out of the house more. I just hope that my health will be alright in regard to dealing with school. I am sure I will be ok.

Back to why I posted the pic of Adam Duritz: There is a song that appeared on his first album called, "Time and Time Again" and it has always been very meaningful to me. It has always brought out the best of my ability to dig deeper into my own mind and force me to think not just about the song but about everything. Read the lyrics and maybe you will see what I mean.

Time and Time Again - Counting Crows
I wanted so badly Somebody other than me
Staring back at me

But you were gone
I wanted to see you walking backwards
And get the sensation of you coming home
I wanted to see you walking away from me
Without the sensation of you leaving me alone
Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I can't please myself
I wanted the ocean to cover over me
I wanna sink slowly without getting wet
Maybe someday, I won't be so lonely
And I'll walk on water every chance I get

So when are you coming home Sweet angel?
You leaving me alone? All alone?
Well if I'm drowning darling

You'll come down this way on your own
I wish I was traveling on a freeway
Beneath this graveyard western sky
I'm gonna set fire to this city
And out into the desert we're gonna ride

I guess I will close this now and focus on my day. I feel better now that I have expressed some feelings here and I will continue to do this when I can.

Think about the line in the song that says, "I wanted to see you walking backwards and get the sensation of you coming home."

Think about this every time you recall losing someone or everytime you think that someone precious may walk away. These few words have been in my head for at least ten years since when I first heard the song and I thought about them every time that Carolyn left and everytime that my babies got back into the car to go home with their Mother. I don't want to feel lonely anymore. I don't want to feel lost. If only I could find myself. Thanks for reading...have a great day. Posted by Hello

Thanks for the comment on my blog Ruben, I am put in my place, humbled, by your comment that my blog is good, I don't have reason to feel it's more than mediocre compared to yours, which expresses so much. You did what you set out to do with it.

I've also lived through days of pain and loneliness, though mine was never a case of life or death, no matter how it seemed to me at the time.

I wish you well, and please, feel free to visit my blog again, and I will do likewise. Yours is in my favourites list now. I'll dip back in to see how you're doing.

Love can conquer a lot. Have faith in God as that, as love Itself, nothing more is necessary. I have been a 'healer' for many years, (well, I can't claim to be the one doing it!) and will send you a whole bunch of good vibes, so that no matter what occurs, you know you have somebody thinking about you at least. I know that helps, just even that much. Been there.
Ever heard of Reiki? It's soemthing I highly recommend you check out. Though, ignore all the new agey BS that sometimes goes with it, it is a profound gift to humanity in itself. Feel free to ask me about it.

Be Happy, Chandira

hi... {ruben} you posted on my blog earlier today... thank you... you're a really good guy... and you're right... i'll get through it. {ruben}
i just got back from being with my best friend, going to one of her brother's friend's houses, and giving them the news of his passing... and then went back to her house to see her parents and hug them and let them know i'm here... they're really wonderful people. like you...
thank you again, for thinking to give me some advice... it really did help. you brought back my optimistic side... that's what i really needed... {ruben}
i wish you the best, and i hope you are able to find fun on your adventures... heh... write all about them, so that i can read it.
i'll be thinking of and praying for you... goodnight. sleep well. may tomarrow treat you well.

Hiya Ruben... I found your blog via your comment on mine. Thank you for that. In return, I've been nosing around your blog, and intend to do so regularly. :o)

About Counting Crows: CC use a very conversational tone in their songs; I love that about them. Music has a long reach, and is capable of touching individuals on different levels. Honestly, I have enjoyed and related to other CC songs (Perfect Blue Buildings is brilliant!), but your thoughts on Time and Time Again will find me hearing that song a little differently next time I play it... I'd never really explored that one before.

Thanks again, Ruben!

Hello there!!! extremely creative site. You must be very emotional... but for sure a cool guy! I'll definitely continue to view your site. Nice writings!

... and that's for posting a comment for one of my poems!


Hey Ruben,

200 Feet here. Reading alot more of your blog. I had to stop at the returning to college comment you made and make my own. GO FOR IT!! Great for my self esteem and confidence. The best 27 years I spent doing anything. Keeps the mind busy and how much more fun it is to feel the pain of a upcoming exam than the actual pain. It keeps your mind busy...

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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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