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Saturday, September 25, 2004 

The Ambulance Ride - HEALTH UPDATE

It is Saturday afternoon here and I am reflecting back at the past week or so. My Oncology appointment went well and I appear to still be cancer free and that is a blessing! It is just so hard for me to go to appointments like that because the doctor tries to be sincere and helpful but she knows that she must tell me that even though the cancer is remission that I still suffer from all the other diseases that I have and my life is still at risk. It may sound crazy but I often wish that I only had cancer. I know that cancer is something that people don’t ever want to get but I would take it in heartbeat because there are some treatments available for it. There is not a damn thing that can be done for my liver and that really makes me sad. I am just frustrated.

Anyway...On Thursday I was mowing our front lawn and I started feeling strange. Usually I have enough oomph (is that a word?) to mow both the front and back yards but I just could not muster up the strength. I was becoming winded quickly and feeling lethargic and disoriented.

At 11:30 that night I was reaching across the bed like a maniac and yelling for Megan and pain was raging through my right side like a cyclone. I was hyperventilating, crying and fighting for breath and as usual Meg was calm and organized and she got me to the hospital right away. That hospital could not do the tests that I needed and I was taken by ambulance to another hospital. I have never been in an ambulance before and that scared the hell out of me. The whole way there in that ambulance I was in and out of sleep but I could not help asking myself..."Is this the way that I will have to live now? Will this be what I end up going through frequently?"

So the tests were done and I was released. I feel much better now that the pain is gone and I have settled down. One of my gastroenterologists will evaluate the results on Monday and they will determine what if anything they can do from here to help me. I may have to have my bile ducts dilated again.

I just don’t know how to feel. I am starting to isolate myself again and I feel depressed. My parents even wanted to come visit me and I told them no. I had no right to do that. They just want to see me while I am healthy but there are just so many issues that I don’t want to deal with in regard to them so I leave them out of my life. I know that they love me and just want to help but I just don’t know what to do. I just long for peace.

This week I will do my best to alright and safe. I am tired of being tired. I am sick of being shakey. I am done with being in pain. But alas, this is my life and I shall accept it. There has to be something that can be done to save me. But while I am waiting for the doctors to save my body...have I already lost my soul? That is the question I need to focus on now.

Have a great week and smile. Thank you for the dedication, understanding and faith. Thank you for letting my words just flow. It means a lot for me to be able to put my emotions on these pages.

Oh Reuben, I'm so sorry to hear about your week and how you're feeling. I have so much admiration for you and what you have had to put up with so it's really me who should be saying thank you. Thank you for sharing a wonderful, honest blog. Just remember to smile. I know you might not feel like smiling but, sometimes, a smile cheers you up. ^_^

i think your soul is always the last thing you'll have left. the most important thing in fact. you have not lost it. you share some of it through these posts. your parents see the tormented side of it when you say no to them. i will bet they understand, and only want to help ease your time. it's easy to be selfish when in the midst of personal adversity. sounds backwards yes? it's really not if you think about it. allowing others to be there for you can be both humbling and healing to a soul in need. i don't wish to be intrusive, and i mean no offense.
nothing but the best to you.

It always amazes me that sometimes a strangers vision is so much clearer than those closest to us. As your Mom, I am sometimes too close to the forest to see the trees. I do try hard to understand but I do believe that you must stay up very late and work very hard to stop the freeway of love that flows to you from so many who love you so very much.
Your dad and I are praying that you will allow God to show you how to drop the former things and let him guide you to new vision with compassion for others as well as for yourself.
I love you-Mom

Your pain, whether physical or emotional in nature, is something I know I can not even begin to understand, but I do hope you will visit with your parents sooner, rather than later and come to some kind of peace within that you are NOT alone in this life. Your depression is clear, and understandable, and as long as you isolate yourself, it will only get worse, thus making your pain that much worse. Sometimes, just sitting with someone who loves you and cares about you, is all you need to feel better. And if they want to help, please let them, as surely they also are feeling helpless in doing anything to make your life easier. As a friend of mine used to say when I tried to take on the world alone, "please help me, by letting me help you."

I'm sorry to hear you had such a horrible week and wish the news you get from gastroenterologists is nothing but helpful, hopeful and positive. Please take care of you and that wonderful lady beside you! Kudos, Megan!

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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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