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Sunday, September 05, 2004 

The Pain



I sat down today and organized my pills for the week and it struck me that this is what my life has really come down to. For the rest of my life I will consume over twenty pills per day to eliminate everything from acid reflux to pain and I will rely on these pills to help me to live as long as possible. It makes me wonder; Is it worth it to live this way? These pills cannot cure my liver or stop the cancer from creeping back into my body. These pills offer no help to me other than pushing me onward...one painful day at a time.

Maybe I am just depressed today. The last few days have been very painful and the pain is getting worse and more frequent. A few nights ago I fell during a dizzy spell in my yard and I was all alone. I was so scared. I did not know if I could get up. Last night Meg and I decided to walk around Target just to grab a few things and kill some time and we were really having an enjoyable time until the pain came again. Grabbing a shelf for support as my eyes fought back tears I realized that one of these spells will hospitalize me one day. One of these spells could be fatal. But I did not fall last night and I was glad to have Megan there with me. She has always been the one to catch me when I fall.

So life has been funny lately. I am having trouble with math, I have not taken enough time to read and Meg and I have had a few more little arguments than I like to have but you know what...I am alive today and she is here caring for me and she can take away the pain. She can do what the pills cannot do. A kiss can be more powerful than Percocet. Passion can be more beneficial than Protonix. I feel better now that I got these feelings out and let them free. Thank you again for reading my rantings. Posted by Hello

stay strong =)

Oh, I never knew about that-so sorry to hear about that. I've never been in the situatoin myself, so I could never imagine the pain and suffering you have to go to. But, even if you don't like taking these pills, you've got to stay strong and remember that you're not gonna get another life so live this one to the fullest you can!
Oh man...I really should stop going off...^_^'

Hey Ruben, I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this, but stay strong. I know that doesn't mean much coming from me, since I have no idea what you're experiencing each day. But i do know how it is on the other end of things. But if it means anything, I'm glad I "met" you, and I find you inspiring. Stick in there, you'll be in my prayers.

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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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