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Tuesday, December 07, 2004 

The Tamborine Man

Hello all...I am just sitting here listening to some music and wondering where time seems to go. I feel like I have been lost for so long and I wonder when I will come to grips with who I am. Is this an endless search? Does anyone ever really find themselves? There are always stories about people that do the same thing for their whole life and one day they wake up and wonder where the hell all the time went. There was a Jack Nicholson movie a few years back called "About Schmidt" that everyone should watch. In the Movie Nicholson finally plays a character almost true to his real age and it is a very deep and touching portrayal.

In one scene he realizes that he has been sleeping with the same woman forever and that she is essentially an old woman with a funny scent that he really hates. But when he returns home one day to find her dead he realizes how much that he really needed her. This comes to mind because lately I feel like Megan and I are growing apart a little and it scares the hell out of me. I was driving down the road this morning trying to think of things to to do to show her my love and I better get busy before she gets beyond my reach. She is really the main reason that I am still able to fight my ilnnesses and I want to show her how much I care for her.

About 1:30 this morning I woke up crying again in pain and she calmed me down like always. Would I be able to do that for her if I needed to? Would I be strong enough to watch her hurt? I guess my mind just wanders lately.

Right now I am listening To "Mr. Tamborine Man" by Bob Dylan and thinking about what Dylan must have been thinking when he wrote some of the things he wrote. Maybe he was high but you know something...he made some beautiful words into some of the most meaningful songs of all time. I wish I had the capacity to write like him. One of my other favorite writers and singers is Willie Nelson. He has that voice that makes you sad just hearing it.

One of the best verses that he ever wote was was from the song, "The Last Thing I Needed First Thing This Morning." In that song he weeps, "Last night you came home late and I knew you'd been drinkin' by that old mellow look on your face. But I thought it don't matter cuz it's the holiday season and you fill such a big empty space. And I layed down beside you and I wanted your lovin' cuz your love makes my life complete. The last thing I needed first thing this morning was to have you walk out on me." That verse combined with this particular time of year is really meaningful. Think about it...have you ever held onto to someone just so you would not have to be alone? Is that what I am doing to Megan? I hope that she does not think that. I really do love her quite a bit and it is in fact her love that makes my life complete.

Well, enough of my rambling for now. Go laugh and play and smile. I'll leave you with one last statement; This morning while I was out I took three cases of corn and green beans to my oldest daughters classroom for their food drive and for a brief second I saw that look in her eyes that says, "My dad is my hero." She kissed me and thanked me and as I walked out of that room I felt like my life really had meaning. Maybe it really does. Maybe I just don't see it like she does.

Smile today!
Ruben

Awwww...how sweet. You are surely more than just her hero, even if you have doubts about how you affect others lives. We are all forces that ebb and flow with each other, and no one you come in contact with is unaffected.

I do hope you find the peace you're looking for in your relationship with Megan. If you didn't care about her deeply, you wouldn't be concerned with her well being and feelings. And if she didn't care about you, she wouldn't be there for you. She doesn't have to be; she wants to be.

Or so I believe from what I have read. ;)

Take care Ruben and hope you are feeling better in even some small way.

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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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