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Saturday, February 05, 2005 

The Fire Inside


I took this picture of Megan in our backyard this morning. She keeps a book of photos that chronicles her journey after her weight loss surgery. She looks so amazing now (112 pounds down) and I felt that way before the surgery also. I told her that I would always walk with her as long as her heart never changed and she never lost the fire that burns inside of her eyes.

This week has been very difficult for me. I am having a great deal of trouble with my ex-wife in regard to the girls and I feel like just giving up. She was able to convince Lauren's school that I cannot pick her up in an emergency situation and that really took a toll on me. It's all so hard to explain. In short though...we have joint physical and legal custody and there is a court order reflecting that but it is never enforced if she violates it in any way. It is rough to be a father in California. I just don't know what to do anymore about the girls. I love them very much but she has managed to take all my rights away as a father and that is killing me inside. I know that I have a future with Megan and that is beautiful but I still have a past that is alive and breathing and they need their Daddy. My ex-wife grew up with various fathers and none of them ever gave a damn about her. One of their wives beat the hell out of her as a little girl and her father took the side of his partner. I am lucky that Megan loves the girls and even though she does'nt really express to me how she feels I know that it hurts her a great deal when we do not see the babies. Why is life so damn hard sometimes? I am trying hard to not fall deep into another battle of depression but there are times when I feel like I am falling into that dark place. I don't want to cry now. I don't want to medicate myself to sleep so I don't have to be awake for the pain. I am so lost. My heart is breaking over the girls.

There is some good though. We are planning a romantic trip to San Francisco and I have booked a great hotel in Union Square and an amazing restaraunt so that will take me away for a while. Also, my article in the paper I wrote about in my last post comes out very soon and it will be nice for me to read my words there. I am trying to write as much as possible lately. Writing truly keeps my heart beating and my blood pumping. I am trying to live as much as possible in the world at the tips of my fingers where the music never stops and the pain is easier too manage. Maybe I am getting lost too far inside this new world. I just don't know how to feel. Thank you for reading my scrambled thoughts. Thank you for giving a broken man a chance to piece himself back together.

Please smile today. A young woman at the mall smiled at me today and then asked my name because she said that I looked familiar to her. I had no idea who she was but she shined for a minute and I needed that light. Have a blessed day. Share your light. It lives inside your eyes just like Megan's light does. Posted by Hello

HI RUBEN ITS ME GERALDYN. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? LONG TIME HUH...HEY I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT MEGAN LOOKS GREAT...SHE LOOKS PRETTY. OH I'VE BEEN WANTING TO ASK YOU IF TIO RUBEN HAS GIVEN YOU THE PICTURE I SENT. IF NOT TELL ME PLEASE...WELL G2G...E-MAIL ME OKAY...

YOUR CUZN WHO LOVES U LOTZ, GERALDYN

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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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