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Tuesday, February 22, 2005 

The Itching

It is past 10:00 here tonight and I am exhausted but I cannot sleep. Megan and I had an amazing time in San Francisco over the weekend and it felt great to be able to celebrate our engagement. We did a great deal of walking in SF and I think that is what is taking a toll on me now. I have been tired all day today but unable to rest.

In addition to my sleepless state I am itching like crazy as a result of my liver disease and Megan is noticing bruises all over me again. One bruise on my arm is really bad and awful to look at but I have no clue how it got there. Right before I was diagnosed with the liver disease I slipped moving a washing machine and slammed my hand into it. My entire hand turned eggplant purple. It was nasty to look at but I was told that easy bruising is another side affect of my illness.

Needless to say, I am getting very scared. I had blood tests taken last week and Dr. Cheng will get back to me soon on those and I will most likely have to have another procedure done to clear my bile ducts. I am trying to stay upbeat and positive but I have spent an awful lot of time fighting back tears. I know that Megan is committed to me and that she will stand by me no matter the circumstance but for the life of me I don't know how she does it. I don't want her to see me in another recovery room wearing a gown and hooked up to machines. I don't want her to have to think about me losing this battle.

I had to put these feelings out here and just let them go. My heart is aching, my mind is racing and I know that I need to just take a deep breath and slow down but that is the hard part for me. That has always been the problem for me. Maybe I need to consider asking for a medicine to control anxiety. I am really at a turning point in my life right now and I want to move forward like a steam engine. I don't want to come to a skidding halt.

I hope all of you are well. Smile today!

hey ruben, i just wanted to tell you that i got an ipod! my boyfriend got it for me for valentine's day... *smiles* i know how much you like yours, and i agree. it's really nice... i love music too...
i was really happy to hear about you and megan. she's gorgeous! you can tell her i said that, too... *smiles* i wish you guys the best of luck in everything you two encounter. she's perfect for you, ruben. but i think you already know that... *smiles* have a fantastic decade!

Please check up on those results ASAP and follow-up with WHATEVER you know needs to be done for YOU! I wish you all the best and hope you begin to feel better soon. So good to hear you had a great time in SF....it really is a beautiful city, especially for lovers. *wink* Take care friend!


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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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