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Tuesday, March 08, 2005 

The Quiet

The little clock at the bottom of my laptop screen reads 4:38 a.m. right now and I have been watching its minutes tick by since 3:57. I thought that my sleepless nights were over for a while after I slept so well last night but I was wrong...again. There is nothing more lonely than the sound of an empty house. I can hear the breathing sound of our gas heater, an occassional car in the distance and the wind rustling the trees outside but otherwise it is quiet here.

It is times like this when I think about my life the most. If I lose the battle with my illness how many of these sleepless nights will Megan have? Will she be ok? I don't want her to have have to sit and contemplate life like I do so often. I just want her to live and be free. I want her to feel alive.

Tomorrow I will be half awake all day and lost deep inside another dark haze. I enjoy walking and driving through the misty fog of winter nights but seeing fog through my own eyes when nobody else sees it is painful for me. My body and my mind seem to waging a war against one another and there is no clear leader to speak of. Together they are driving me slowly insane.

The clock reads 4:49 now and I should sign off. I have a great deal of useless information gathering to do on this laptop and I am sure that there is an infomercial on that I have not seen on television.

Maybe on the channel after the newest ab machine or container organizer there will be a commercial that can be of some use to me. Can I buy sleep or a new liver for low easy monthly installments? Can I buy a better outlook for $19.95? Can I buy a machine that can beam Meg and I off to a new place where there are only beaches, great movies and down comforters? I don't want buns of steel. I don't need a tool that can fix my car and mow my lawn.

It is 5:03 now and I am saying goodbye. Smile today.Posted by Hello

Big Hugs! Hope you sleep better tonight. No, I hope you REST better tonight. Sweetest dreams, Ruben.


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let's try this again =)..

hi there! your profile notes that you like the books "Running w/ Scissors" and "DRY".. AMAZING BOOKS, i agree. Augusten Burroughs also has a new book of short stories that i HIGHLY recommend: "Magical Thinking". "Sellevision" was different from his usual style, but all the more interesting. if you haven't already, i strongly suggest giving those a read.

***before anything, PLEASE read "Tuesdays With Morrie" by Mitch Albom .. it's my all-time FAVORITE***

i hope tomorrow finds the same smile on your face as today did.


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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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