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Sunday, May 08, 2005 

Dog Crap, Leaves and The Porn Star (Not for Kiddos)

Hello again. I am sorry about the title of this post but I needed something catchy and controversial to grab attention. The old blog here is going through some sort of funk lately.

Anyway, yesterday Hector (my faithful pooch) and I headed out to the back yard to be real men. Well, I was the man and Hector was the well...the little hairy sidekick. This is the story of our battle with crap, weeds and the other strange things that exist in our yard.

First of all, Hector's reaction to the whole project was the most hilarious part of all. He looked at me and said (if Taco Bell can have a talking Chihuahua so can I!) "Hey Papi (he calls me that because he is Mexican) how would you like it if I pushed machines through your toilet?" The pooch actually had a rather valid point. Maybe he is a genius like his Papi!

As I pushed the mower (now lovingly referred to as The Shit Detector 2000) Hector grew more and more concerned and agitated. He ran around in circles nervously biting his ass with a really stupid look on his little face. I think he was really angry with me!

As the project progressed I was forced to break out the leaf blower (I believe this thing is the same model employed by NASA to make wind tunnels and Hollywood to make tornadoes in movies like Twister) and tackle some leaves. Leaves are a major issue for me because Meg and I don't have a single tree that drops leaves. But, our porn star neighbor who has a shower built into a tree in his yard and hosts really loud swinger parties does.

When we first moved in we assumed that he was a mass murderer based on all the screaming coming from his place but we did some research and have come to the conclusion that murder victims never scream the words, "Do it again big Daddy!" So essentially, I am picking up leaves that are not mine at all. His saggy old porn star butt should be over here raking! I say raking because I would never let him get near my leaf blower!

Back to the story at hand...by now I am covered in grass and dirt and Hector is now begging, "Papi, get me out of here man! I am so nervous I am about to chew off a limb!" Chihuahuas do really strange things when they are nervous and the machines were driving him nuts. He got really agitated when I strapped him to The Shit Detector 2000 with duct tape and took him for a ride. Hey, I am only kidding! I bet at least one of you is an animal rights activist.

At the end of the whole fiasco, my body, which hates me, tried to totally shut down on me. I got all light headed and shaky (much like Hector but I cannot chew on my own ass) and I almost passed out. You see, I try to over do things when I am supposed to take breaks and rest and I end up regretting it.

So, I call Meg (my savior in times of mass funkiness) and she explains to me that I should rest and eat something. The thing is, I already know this myself but I seem to get all retarded when things go awry and only her advice makes any sense at all to me. It is almost like my ability to have common sense just shuts down.

Seriously, if I was to lets say...set myself on fire (a real possibility with my BBQ skills) I would end up on the phone listening to her say something like, "Put down the phone stupid! Stop, drop and roll!"

By the Grace of God (and Meg) I am still alive today to tell my tale of lawn care fun and excitement. The yard actually looks pretty good and you will all be glad to know that Hector is still on all fours. Come over for a BBQ anytime. The gate is always open. Just be sure to get the right house. You would hate to accidentally walk on to the set of, "Old Dude Gets Buck Wild!" That film will be in production next door for the remainder of the summer!

Smile today and make it count! If you have a mother (and you certainly should) wish her a happy day.

Is your neighbor really a pornstar? Who is it? How do you know?

Good post. You really know how to make a boring chore amusing, at least for your readers.

You make yardwork sound like fun, which I know in fact to be a lie. Believe me, I've tried it. Even my beloved Vincent-the-saving-dog couldn't make it fun.

I'm intrigued by the porn star though.....

murder...victims...seldom...!!!!!

you almost made coffee come OUT of my nose and go INTO my keyboard.

hmm...you know, there's already a market high colonics and other such cringe-inducing quasi-medical procedures, right? If you're gonna be posting stuff like this, why not figure out a way to sell Starbucks sinus enemas? Cleansing and caffeinated, all at the same time.

If Mohammad won't go to the mountain.......
here are some interview questions for you, Ruben. I'm diggin' this interview stuff.

1. What is the least, INSIGNIFICANT thing that inspires you the most?

2. Which would you rather do, build a snowman, or build a sandcastle?

3. What food item MUST you have as often as possible?

4. What's your favorite poem?

5. Do you think Paula Abdul regularly does "it" with the contestants on American Idol?

Oh...my...lord. I very nearly wet myself. What terrific writing! I looked down at my puppy and wondered what in the world she would call ME. Probably something insulting, since I call her by using the guitar riff from Clapton's Layla a'la that cel phone radio commercial. (We ended up naming her Layla Deuce Coupe.)

I would blow (no pun intended) the leaves back into porn-guy's yard. Maybe even make sure a few leaves were decorated with Chihuahua poo. But...then that would just invit bad karma wouldn't it?

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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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