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Monday, June 20, 2005 

Post #100!

Wow! I just did some quick math (something I am not very good at) and I have discovered that this is my 100th post! So, in the the tradition of many other bloggers I have decided make a list of 100 things about me. These are things that you may or not know about me. These are things that that you may not want to know about me.

Seriously...It has been a nice trip getting to this point. Thank you all so much for reading thousands and thousands of my crazy words and for looking at hundreds of my strange photos.

Here we go...

1> My name is Ruben James Porras.
2> I was named after my father and not the Kenny Rogers song or the famous sandwich.
3> I was born in Redding, CA.
4> I won't go back there because the bridges that I didn't burn are bridges that I don't want to cross.
5> I now in live in Modesto, CA. This is the home of Gary Condit and Scott Peterson. It is also a breeding ground for hate and intolerance.
6> I want to leave here very soon.
7> I need to live near a beach because the ocean has the power to make all my big ass problems look amazingly small.
8> I am engaged.
9> Her name is Megan and she is hands down the prettiest girl in the world.
10> Megan's eyes make me smile.
11> Megan's heart makes me live.
12> Megan's words make me laugh.
13> I don't like sleeping alone.
14> That is because I am afraid that I might get sick in the middle of the night and there won't be anyone to help me.
15> I have the same terminal liver disease that killed Walter Payton, the famous football star.
16> I need a new liver so I can live forever.
17> I am a cancer survivor.
18> But because I had cancer I don't qualify for a new liver.
19> I could die young of my illness.
20> I am not interested in dying because I want to see how far Megan will go in Life.
21> I wanted to own a Lexus by the time I was 30.
22> I am 30 now and I have a Toyota Matrix that I can barely afford.
23> I like cheese.
24> But not just any cheese. I like the Tillamook brand of mild cheddar that is made in Oregon.
25> I don't think I can legally go to Oregon because I never paid a speeding ticket I got there years ago.
26> My favorite painting is titled, "Diego en mi Pensamiento" by Frida Kahlo.
27> I want someone to love me as strongly as Frida loved Diego Rivera.
28> I would love to go on a cross country roadtrip.
29> I want to visit Spain in my lifetime.
30> There is something special about tye dyed shirts.
31> I could be an old hippy.
32> I love the music of Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard.
33> I could be an old cowboy.
34> Maybe I just want to be old. I don't want to die young.
35> Willie Nelson is my favorite old cowboy hippy.
36> Willie Nelson is the the only old cowboy Hippy that I have ever heard of.
37> I hate wearing shoes.
38> When I have to wear shoes I wear Teva Sandals.
39> I want to ride my mountain bike more.
40> But I get lazy or tired and it sits in my garage.
41> I have a Chihuahua named Hector the Protector.
42> Sometimes I say that I don't like him but the truth is that he keeps me from getting too lonely.
43> I really love plants.
44> I kill most of the plants I get. But the succulents and cactuses on my porch stay alive becaue they don't require too much care.
45> I require way too much care.
46> Sometimes I get really lonely.
47> Sometimes I cry.
48> I take about 20 pills per day.
49> They are meant to keep me alive. I guess they work. I am still here.
50> The medicine makes me very tired.
51> But I can't sleep at night without even more medicine.
52> Maybe I don't sleep well because I am never at peace.
53> I always feel lost.
54> I won't ever get a college degree if I can't figure out math and Science.
55> I long to be a writer.
56> I have always wanted to run a small newspaper in a small town.
57> There seems to be something stopping my dreams from coming true.
58> I think it is me.
59> I like to take showers at night in the dark.
60> Nobody knows that I do that so I don't have to see my scars and bruises.
61> My scars and bruises remind me that I am sick.
62> Mexcio makes me happy.
63> The colors there are different.
64> The people there seem nicer.
65> I could live in a hut on a Mexican beach.
66> But I never will because Megan would never do that.
67> I don't think I could live without Megan.
68> I don't want to try.
69> Lately there has been some distance between Megan and I.
70> That scares the hell out of me.
71> I need to close that gap.
72> I tell everybody that 'each day counts' and to 'smile today.'
73> But there are times when I want to fall asleep and not wake up.
74> I love my father.
75> I fear my mother.
76> Her and I are just too much alike so we butt heads.
77> She is getting older and is not very healthy anymore.
78> I hope she outlives my father because I don't think he could live without her.
79> I miss fishing trips with my dad.
80> He taught me how to cry and not be ashamed.
81> My sister hates me.
82> She hates me because I don't see my children.
83> I don't see my children because I hate seeing them go.
84> I also don't want to deal with their mother.
85> I married her because she got pregnant.
86> That was the biggest mistake of my life.
87> I miss my babies very much.
88> They didn't call me yesterday on Father's Day.
89> I acted like that didn't hurt me.
90> It broke my heart.
91> I take pictures of people that I don't know because I think their lives are more interesting than mine.
92> I take pictures of ugly things and make them look beautiful.
93> I love my pet fish because they are supposed to have very short memories.
94> There are so many things that I wish I could forget.
95> I love tacos with lots of lime juice.
96> I want to die before my Grandma Rose because I don't want to see her go.
97> I love the pain that Tattoos cause.
98> I am scared of needles.
99> My favorite song lyric is, "I want to see you walking backwards to get the sensation that you're coming home" by Adam Duritz of Counting Crows.
100> I spent two hours typing this list and I will spend the rest of my life thinking about it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Now for the next 100 posts...
Smile today.

Oh,Ruben - you are so brave. I'm sure this was a difficult list to write, and I thank you for sharing it with us. You're a great guy.

Hey Ruben, I was just checking in with you. Congratulations on your 100th post, I hope to read 100 more.

WOW- I need to post 100 thoughts! I was surprised to read that you fear your Mother. She only wants what's best for you. Isn't that what most Mother's want for their children? I wonder why you see that as butting heads? Things that make you go......HUH???????
You are forever in my heart,

Congratulations on your 100th post. I really enjoy reading your blog
and seeing the pictures you take. That must have been a hard 100
things list for you to write. If I may comment on a couple of them.
Please see your children, no matter how hard it is. I am a divorced
mother of three wonderful children who love their father very much. He
decided a couple of years ago that it was to hard on him to see them
and only be a weekend dad. They are heart broken and miss him very
much. Something always reminds them of him, at least three to four
times a week. It breaks my heart to see the sad looks on their faces
when they talk about him. They have a step-father whom they love, but
its just not the same. My ex and I had a on and off good/bad
relationship after the divorce. I can't even put in words how I feel
about this man that I spent 16 years with, and he walks out on his
children because its too hard on him, and he doesn't want to have to
speak to me. But I hold my tung and tell my children that their father
loves them very much and hopefully someday he will feel better about
everything and they will see him. Please, please see your children.
Call them. Please. I really hope that its never too late, for your
children and mine. You are missing vital years of their lives. I
really hope you take this letter to heart. It comes from one that
breaks every time I see that look on my children faces.

Beautiful, Ruben. Absolutely beautiful.

Couple of comments:

7. I feel the same about the ocean.
27. I know nothing of Frida or Diego, but I want someone to love me like that, too.
37. I hate wearing shoes, too. I take mine off at work first thing, every day.
41. I have a mutt named Vincent-the-saving-dog. He's my best friend.
46 and 47. me too. lots.
53 and 55. me too. lots and lots.
59 and 60. me too! but not for the same reason. It's so I won't see how big I've let myself become.
73. me too.
94. God, me too.

You are a strong, brave, loving, intelligent man, and I admire the hell out of you.

30>There is something special about tye dyed shirts.
31> I could be an old hippy.

These two are my favorites and there is, no doubt, music in heaven.

I love that I knew all of these about you already, and so much more! On top of all these things, I love that I'm still learning everyday!

Thanks for coming by my site.

I just learned alot about you from my first visit! You seem like a person with 100 year history aswell as 100 posts. I look forward to coming back and seeing more.

Your list was so honest and so brave. Thank you. I feel honored that you shared that with all of us out here.

HEy Ruben, congratulations on the 100th!

It always amazes me how so many people with so many different backgrounds and aspirations can share so many fears and hopes. It makes you think, if so many people are looking at other people's lives thinking, their's is much more interesting/important/exciting than mine, how many people have looked at you the same way?

I too love the Counting Crows lyrics, my mom used to call it my "slit your wrists" music, but I like them anyway. Sometimes there is nothing better than opening up your soul and belting out the lyrics a stranger wrote to describe you.

But please, see your kids. I know it's easy for people who don't know your situation personally to give glib advice, but I agree with justme's comments. The little tears from goodbyes must be so much easier to mend than a virtual amputation.

I feel like I'm getting preachy and I have no right to be, so I'm just going to take your advice and smile :o)

Hi Rub,Heaven is full of music,in fact it is the music,if you get there before me be sure I'll try my best to join you so we can drink
a good cold beer together.If by any chance they don't want me up there drink mine too.

Congrats on your 100th post and thanks for sharing a bit about yourself. Best of luck with the next 100 posts. :-)

hey Ruben. Congrats on post # 100 and thanks for the email! But you must know that I drop by most days - I'm just a lurker. :-)

Your list was very interesting and thought provoking and I am very glad you posted it. I've read it many times now.

Now...back to lurking

Hi Ruben. LOVELY post. I had my one year blog-anniversary yesterday and did a similar thing. Keep it up, you have a lovely b log!

I admire your courage and strength. Congratulations on your 100th post.

It's always great to find another Willie fan...

Lookin' forward to the next 100 posts!!

Your strength and courage are admirable. I've been avoiding making a 100 list as I've seen others do because I'm afraid I would run out of thoughts before I finished!

I just had my 100th post yesterday but do not yet have the courage to do my 100 things. You are not lacking in courage, that is for sure. Thank you for sharing your 100 with me.

Thank you for visiting my site. It is nice to know there are people out there who understand pain the way I do. We have alot in common from your 100 list. I am inspired to do my own 100 list now. I will be working on it and then you can see our similarities.
I will continue to visit your site often, please do keep that smile, you are truly an inspiration to me.

I agree 100% with Justme.. Don't F-up your kids the way your family has F-u-up.. This will damage them for life.. and they will have to spend lots of money on therapy because you can't put them first.. I know..I lived there life.. Learn and live by your own name...
"MAKE EACH DAY COUNT" bite the bullet.. and get them back in your life.. for I feel this is the reason you are not happy

Hey Ruben, thanks for visiting my blog. I hate Modesto too!

Your 100th post was beautiful and so moving. I live in physical pain every day too, so I feel you. I'm glad you found me. I'll keep checking in.

I just came across your blog today. Very touching 100 list, thank you for sharing.

That was the most powerful 100 things I have ever read! You are the bravest person! I am reading a book right now you may or may not enjoy but I thought I would pass it along to see if you would want to read it. It's called "The Purpose Driven Life... What on earth am I here for?" And it is really good. Maybe you would want to read it?

Hope you are smiling today! :o) Talk to you real soon.

bs...all bs. The only truth here is that you are a selfish one sided harmful person with a huge ego. Not a pretty sight.

Your a whining,vindictive, money mongrel who sucks the life out of Redding,Ca......Go back to where you came from....

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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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