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Wednesday, July 27, 2005 

The Gymnast


I have been up for over 24 hours and sick as a dog or as sick as a guy with a bunch of damn diseases. This is one of those moments where I feel sick. I feel lost and no matter how positive I want to be I just can't. This may not be the usual inspirational post that you are used to seeing here but I can't be that way today. I'm sorry.

But to be honest this is the kind of day that I designed this blog for. I need to break it all down and spill all my emotions out and I hope that you still read my words even if they are uglier than usual.

I am sitting here on the couch with my wireless laptop listening to Eminem and Ludacris and I really don't know how to feel. I have been throwing up everything and I should get on the phone and call the doctor but I just don't want to.

I am sick and tired of hearing the words, "Mr. Porras, all I can do is give you this prescription. You are a very sick man and we just have to wait to see what happens."

I don't want to wait to see what happens. I just want to grab the doctors by the shirt sometimes and look them in the eye and say, "Listen doctor, I am 30 years old. I have a life. I want a future. There has to be a fucking cure for me! Stop telling me to wait! Fix me damnit!"

But there is no cure and people die from liver diseases like this.

I am crying now. I am sitting here all alone with tears running down my face and all this shit is running through my head. I am shaking and it is hard to even type.

Last night I had the first real conversation with my mom that I have had in months.

She is sick. She is having random siezures and the damn doctors can't help her either. She can't die before me. I could not deal with that. That would kill me faster than any disease.

I have not seen my kids in almost eight months. I miss them but I just can't see them. Their mother is cruel and I can't watch them walk away after our visits anymore.

In nine months I will marry Megan because she understands all my shit better than anyone else and she holds me when I hurt. Nobody else holds me when I hurt. Nobody ever has loved me like her. Has anyone ever loved me at all? She is so pure and soft but at the same time she wears a shield around her and she rarely breaks down when things get really bad.

Anyway, this is probably getting really depressing. I need to focus. I need to listen to my own advice.

I need to smile today.
I need to make today count.

How can I do that? Everything in my body hurts. I am so tired but sleep feels just out of reach and I can't catch it. I need to pass out. I need to eat but I am scared to. I am starving.

The picture above is one that I took over the weekend. Meg took me to a lake because I told her that I wanted to see nature and just play like I did when I was a kid. She is like that. If I told her that I wanted a million dollars she would rob a bank. She is my life...my heart.

I hope that everyone out there is ok today. I hope that I will be ok today. Thank you for reading my rambling confused words. Take care.

Go!!

I hope you feel better soon. I found that eating a cherry popsicle always makes me feel better. Want me to bring you one? :-)

hugs and kisses~

Ruben, you don't always have to be brave. Posts like this will help you to air out your feelings. Don't worry about depressing anyone and don't apologize for feeling down. You are a magnificent person. I'm so glad you have a wonderful future wife like Megan to hold you and tell you how wonderful you are.

I wish I could give you a big hug..

Hugging you right now from across the miles...and sending healing vibes your way.

Reuben...don't be afraid to talk about what you are feeling. I know you don't want to talk about your illness, constantly reminding yourself of all the details. I'm no expert, but I have spent alot of time with sick family members, especially my mom. I sat and watched her suffer, helpless to come to her aid in any way, other than to love her and be there for her. I wish I could be there with you, to hold your head when you're sick, or put a cold rag on your forehead. I say this in a totally benign way...like a sister would care for her brother.

I'm so happy to hear of your coming marriage! I'm so proud that you have Meg, she must be amazing...as I'm sure you are.

Don't close yourself off...express yourself even when you don't feel like it. It helps those around you to minister to your needs, and it helps them feel closer to you.

I will pray for a cure for the horrible disease ravaging your body. I hope you get some rest tonight, and wake to a brand new day of feeling better!

well I hope these words find you feeling a bit better. it's great that you have someone who cares for you and loves you unconditionally like she does. if all else fails, just rememember the the love between you two won't.

You are an inspiration, Ruben. You are strong and beautiful inside and out. Even though at times you may feel alone, remember you have so many friends on the outside that think of you and pray for you every day! As much as it hurts to know you are feeling bad today, you must continue to post about it. So many of us take for granted our health. I am guilty. But you help me put this in perpective. You are touching many people's lives. You have a purpose here and you are fulfilling it. You are a magnificent man. I cherish your words and your strength. I am sending you many warm wishes along with some hugs and kisses. xoxoxoxoxoxo Feel better soon my friend!

Things you said:
I love Megan and she loves me!
I need to make each day dount!

You know what you need to do but sometimes your body just won't let you. Eat a popsicle and some crackers, remember that there are some random people out there reading your blog and loving you too! Hugs

Wow. I can't imagine what your going through right now, but you are one of the bravest people I've ever spoken with. You owe it to yourself to make each and every day perfect as possible. Your lucky to have such a great fiance to "hold you" and love you. :) But it's understandable to get down sometimes. I hope you feel better and just so you know----Your my hero!!

If these were your ugliest words or uglier than normal, I can safely say that nothing you write here will ever make me turn away.

I will always be here for you to just yell and scream about life or if you want to share what you enjoy day to day.

I love it when you talk about no matter how shitty things are going, Megan is your cornerstone. You are the luckiest man on the face of this earth to have someone like that by your side.

I can't wait until the wedding .. to see the pictures ... to hear the joy .. to be a part of your guys' life .. every step of the way. I'm extremely honored and so glad to be a part of it.

Keep the faith Ruben!

I hope you get to feeling better very soon. You are truly a strong person, and I admire your strength! Huge inspiration. Keep smiling & remember this random person luvs ya!!

Let it out Ruben... not that I'm here to tell you what to do.

I admire your honesty; you are NOT depressing, you are human and you are inspiring. While you have some bad shit to deal with (okay, some REALLY bad shit that I will not claim to understand), you are very aware of the good that you have as well, and you give the good equal time, if not a better part of the time. So many of us don't; so many of us take our health for granted, our partners for granted...

That's not to say you don't scream and shout and let it all out and get down and NOT funky sometimes... I'm sure you do - it's inevitable. But I get the sense that you do not live in anger or resentment or in fear, you live in joy, and that is a choice.

Megan has chosen to shared her heart with a Champion... :o) And every day, the good and the bad, you chose to BE a Champion.

(Now shut UP, Donna!!!!!!!!)

No reason at all for you to pretend to be all p and smiling when you're not. I admire you attitude but you do not hae to put on a false face.

I'm thinking of you.

You are such a strong person, and Meg sounds like a great person. You are a lucky man for finding someone who loves you no matter what. All your posts - even the so called depressing ones - give me something to think about. I hope you are feeling better!

Stuffing your emotions will not help you in the long run. You have tons of people who care about you: look at the comments! I am sending you love and light and hope that today is a better day for you. It is wonderful that you have Meg!

Ruben, you are going to be okay. your liver might be a mess, but your heart is awesome. it will pull you through. you have touched so many people, with so many people yet to go. we are in your corner now, each one of us pulling for you. in the other corner is despair. he wants to pound you down. it ain't gonna happen. when that bell rings, come out swinging. stick and move. stick and move. when you come back to the corner, sit and rest, we're here to put on the endswell, stick q-tips up your nose, and encourage you to keep fighting. you can't quit, and we won't quit. c'mon rube, you can do it, let's get it on.

i'm tearing up. you are SO strong and like so many others said before me, it's OK to not be positive all the time!

we've all heard about "non-curable" diseases that people overcame because of their attitudes. you, my dear, would be at the top of that list. i will NEVER stop believing in you. NEVER.

*hugs*

Hi Ruben! Oh I am so glad God has put you in my life. I love your blog! And I agree with everyone. It is ok to not be positive all the time. Everything needs to come out, and I feel blessed that you have allowed me to be apart of yur blog. You soon to be wife sounds perfect!

I am also with Anisa... You are on top of that list and I too am not going to stop believing in you! I am praying for you and your mom and Megan constantly. If you ever need to talk just let me know.

*big hugs*

Hope you are feeling better today! :o) I am sure it's hard but keep your chin up and know that with God all things are possible!

What kind of liver condition do you have?

Hi there, stopping by (saw you on the Martin's comments).
Wow, i hope you get to see your kids. My mom had colitis & colon cancer back in 1967 and it took her life when I was four and she only twenty three. I still miss her, and I am forty one.
My Dad said she was the bravest person he ever knew.......watching her take all those medicines.........

It is awesome that you have something positive to focus on, what a blessing your Megan and upcoming marriage plans are !!

Sorry to hear your going through a tough time right now. :( Hang in there things will get better.

i was behind on my blogging yesterday and didn't have a chance to stop by ... i hope you're feeling better today. i'll be thinking of you!

Ruben...I wish I would have seen this yesterday. I must have checked here before you posted it.
My God...I promise...I will light a candle for you at the Shrine. I do hope that today you feel better.
And I'm so glad you know that so many people care.

You are an amazing young man dealing with the unthinkable. And you ARE dealing with it--letting it out is the best thing you can do for yourself and for others with your illness, as well as for those of us that are cheering you on. AND we ARE cheering you on Ruben; we're with you every step of the way. Take care; feel better; and thank you for allowing us to join you on your journey.

Thanks for stopping by my blog and saying hi.
I hope that you are feeling better. Sorry I'm kinda late....

My Dad had a issue with his liver...went on a dif type of chemo. Made him sick a lot but he’s going to live. He always stayed strong and reading your site I wonder if he ever felt like you. He's done now. He just told me today that he had a follow up w/ Dr and he’s not showing any signs. I hope that you get better and get the treatment you need. I would encourage you to see your kids though. I didn’t know my Dad was sick till after he was released from the hospital (he was there over a week & almost died).

Had he died and I missed my chance to say goodbye bc he didn’t want to see me...I don’t even know how to say it but it would have really pissed me off and in a way I think it was selfish of him. I know he needs to do what right for him, but at the same time I am his young daughter, I would have needed that chance to say goodbye. I had no idea anything was wrong, it would of hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where. But he didnt want anyone to see him sick. But I still would have needed that. I cant explain it any other way. To say everything I needed to say, to hug and cry together. Its so important.
Take care and hope all goes well.

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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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