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Friday, July 15, 2005 

Rotten Ass


Have you ever smelled something so rank that you swear that you may have forever damaged your sense of smell? Instantly you start thinking that you won't ever smell fresh baked cookies again or the sweet cologne of your lover. You will never smell the baby powder scent of a baby. You will forever be robbed of your ability to appreciate the scent of a rose or the exciting scent of a new car. That happened to me today. I think I am ruined. My nose is broken! Whatever will I do?

Let me give you some background on me. I go through periods where I swear that I am obsessive compulsive. I try to focus way to much on making things right and I dwell on things that really bother me way too much. My sense of smell is a big problem for me and it has driven Meg nuts since we got together.

You see, I seem to be able to smell things that other people can't smell. Maybe it is my wacked out crazy ass mind playing tricks on me. I have no idea what my problem is. But whatever it is it makes scents very strong to me whether they really exist or not. In some cases that is good. But in some cases that is just really, really bad.

For instance, when Megan splashes on "Dior me...Dior me not" perfume the scent comes alive to me and we usually end up well...you know! :-) But when I am near a baby and the little bugger takes a massive crap or when Hector decides to pass gas, it about knocks me the hell out. The thing that bugs Meg the most is when I say that certain things smell like rotten ass. Now, I have no idea what rotten ass smells like but it can't be good.

The conversation usually goes something like this, "Damn Megan what is that horrible stench? It smells like rotten ass!" Meg will respond by looking incredibly irritated and saying something like, "I don't smell a damn thing honey." What the hell is your problem?" It drives her crazy.

So, today I decide to clean out my funny little Toyota that has been sitting in the sun all week in 100 degree + temperature because I have not felt up to going anywhere. As soon as I opened the door I damn near fainted. My head got all woozy and those two words came screaming into my head like a train wreck! Rotten ass!!!! Rotten ass!!!! Rotten ass!!!! So standing alone on my quiet street I ask my car, "What the hell is that awful smell?" The car never responds. Not a big surprise.

It turns out that we had left not one but two containers of Hector's dog food in there the last time we had him with a sitter. This is not dry dog food. This is wet, nasty, brown, shit-looking dog food that we are not sure that he even likes. Anyway, both containers had come open somehow (damn you Ziploc) and permeated the car with a funk that was almost the death of me. The good news is that I don't think that I have any nose hair left. The bad news is that I have to either start the car on fire or sell it.

Selling it may be hard because California has strict disclosure laws. So, if you are on the web or grab a paper here in central, California, look for an ad that reads:

2003 metallic blue Toyota Matrix.
Very low miles. Gently used.
Sirius Satellite Radio, A/C, Automatic.

Capacity for 5 adults. Huge cargo area.
Smells like rotten ass. Call for more details.

Nobody will buy this car. I need matches. Matches and gasoline!

Thank you all for the nice comments about yesterdays post. I am feeling a little better. My lame sense of humor is coming back. I left a message with my doctor. I will keep you all informed. Smile today!

My husband is the same way with his sense of smell! I can't even have a lick of garlic for lunch or a bite of a sandwhich that contains a snippit of an onion. He will smell it on me for days....Curses to all you scent-enhanced folk!

Wow, Ruben! I know how you feel--well, I did until I got dogs. Then my sense of smell went quickly and I can only distinguish terribly stinky things and nothing (which is usually mildly stinky). Here's to hoping that your nose recovers!

I'm always happy to find a fellow Matrix owner who jams out to Ben Folds Five--checked out your musical tastes on your profile, btw :)
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I enjoyed yours a lot--I will also be back to visit! It's such a pleasure to find someone approaching life/blogging with gusto!

OMG you would hate it in the town I live near. They have a paper mill. Rotten ass is the correct term... it smells like a giant rotten egg sulfur fart. ICK!

Of course, when riding in the car, this is the perfect time to actually fart and then blame it on the paper mill. :)

Ha, I think all my nose receptors were burnt out by the terrible stench both my father and my ex seemed to be able to make with their backsides. Not rotten ass, more like small rodent climbed up there and died. Ugh.

But I smell funky things all the time, especially when I take the smells of work and suddenly smell them on a side walk. Monkey butt really isn't that common of a smell right??

Feel better :o)

I smell rotten ass every time I work. No seriously, I do.

I've never smelled rotting, 100-degree dog food, but I'm guessing that rotten ass is a pretty accurate description. For years, the worst thing I'd ever smelled was a container of dead leeches that my dad left in his boat. Then, when I too an environmental biology class a few years ago, I was required to attend a field trip at the water treatment plant. Never before had an odor made me cry. Rotten ass, definitely.

this is too damn funny!!!
my car has the same problem....ROTTEN ASS is an understatement and no one will buy it either, TRADE IT IN...that's what I plan to do, piece of CRAP (literally), only in my case a little poodle puked in it, i didn't know, until the 4 days later when I went to drive it....NASTY! good luck with your sale.

!!!!!ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!

OMG...I'm so glad you posted this today, I needed a huge laff!

If I didn't know better, I would say my nasally gifted boyfriend wrote this. I love garlic, can't live without it...but since we met? I have stopped cooking with it 'cause he thinks it's 'funky'.

I swear, you two must be half bloodhound. The only difference is that he refers to said funk as reeking like "feet and assholes".

And G is right...we do have a huge paper mill here. And every day that I come to work, I smell funky rotten egg smell...yummy.

LOL, that was awesome. I would freak if that were my car. On the other hand, we ended up with a car with blood in it. After we COMPLETELY cleaned it (carpets, scrubbed the leather seats, wiped every piece of door panel and dashboard, you get the idea) we put like 100 air fresheners in it, [coconut] and I must say... you can barely smell the blood.

Dropping in to say HI! OMG. I know Karma is right behind me , because I laughed so hard I *snorted* while reading this post. I had a sympathy gag for you...I IMAGINED I smelled the rotten ass smell from your car. It is times like this, that an over active imagination is a curse.

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About me

  • I'm Ruben
  • From Modesto, California, United States
  • This space could be a million lines long but I will try to make a long story short. In April of 2003 I was diagnosed with a rare terminal liver disease and treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck. Because of the combination of diseases and amount of liver damage, doctors estimate that I have between 2 and 5 years to live. Hence the name of this site, "Each Day Counts." If I cannot win this battle I will fight, love and travel until the very end!
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